Have you ever written about yourself, expressing the deep relational and sexual preferences you have, but... for everyone to see?
Well, that's what I'm doing with this page, with Mx Eve. And specifically with About Me section. It's been fascinating to see how I've changed it, amended, improved, questioned and experimented with it. How can I put what I am and what I want in succinct but eloquent paragraphs? And how do I express it in a way that speaks to those I want it to speak to? So yes, this section is also about you. As with every relation, it's not just about me, it's also about you. It's me putting a message that will make you recognise if you share the same values as me, if you have similar needs, if you have a pull towards this even if you have no words to explain it - yet. I've also made the below discoveries about myself (and you): 1. My needs change. Currently I am mainly interested in power exchange, whereas before I had needs for different encounters, too. Which is why I was offering not just kinky dates (and still do, if your message catches my eye) 2. My pleasure perpetually grows and I am still learning how to dig into it. After a training session with another experienced Dominatrix, something shifted in permissioning myself even more. There's a very real social stigma when it comes to sexual desires, especially the unconventional ones. Me inlcuded, I have significant traces of it which impacts me when finding my full joy. I realize, I will always come against that, no matter how much learning and pleasure I get to have. But the difference is that I am aware of those conflicts within me. Also, I'm very lucky that the journey of discovering my full pleasure potential has been rather fun. 3. Dates that spoil me and behave their best to impress me not only create amazing memories for me and themselves, but also increase my self worth, my standards and motivate me to be even more generous, attentive and, ultimately, kind. I hope I do that, too, for my dates. 4. My best dates have been the kinky ones. So, with the above in mind, I've updated my About Me section. I am becoming much more focused than before. Have a read and see if any of it clicks. My wish is for all of us to find those that match our freaks. Trust me, it's so worth it.
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As an experiment, I asked my followers on Instagram what they would like me to write about in my diary next (it's currently the only platform, where I may engage in conversations with non-dates). Is it strange that all the requests I received were about my own desires and pleasure?
'What's your biggest sexual desire?' 'What sexual activity brings you most joy?' 'Your most secret dirty dreams.' ....and the same again and again. Is it because my followers have little imagination, aren't used to a woman exuding sexual confidence and want to get off of that, or purely want to get off of that or think they can 'corrupt'/shock me even more? Or are they really curious, because they are actually interested in me and / or want to book a date and see if we can make those dreams come true? :) Haha, well... These kind of questions coming from strangers on the internet for someone who has been in the sex positive community for years definitely first sound extremely boring. I've done it all babes, even those things you can't even imagine yet! If you want to hear juicy details, that'll be my whole life story, nothing new here. Also there's a lot of info already about what I enjoy on my website and social media. Just pay a little attention already, ok? But after the initial resistance to it, I decided to try and articulate something about my own shifting desires and what brings me pleasure currently. It is not my intention to write this for you to get off. It is my intention for me to get off of this. I've always been a person who is very aware of their body and sexuality. Being aroused, as you can see from my previous posts, does not equate to genital arousal, but eros - love and joy of life. Of course, during the darker periods of my life it's been harder to do that, but overall I always come back to this state and just being alive is an enormous turn on for me. The wind, being barefoot, food, music, touch, water, sun, that look in your eyes, textures, emotions... Which is why I probably started exploring the sex positive community to understand myself better and first I was 'just' a very great exhibitionist. Still am (hence this whole post). Secondly, I loved meeting new people. I considered myself a freysexual at different points in my life (someone who loses sexual interest in a person once they get to know them.) But I realize now that it's much more complex for me than this and my interest certainly does not fade for the right people... So what is my current biggest desire? Oh so many, and they depend on who I am with. Each new person or group of people inspire and awaken something different in me. So ultimately there is no one answer - I assume, to your disappointment. But... I don't disappoint. So I'll share what is often on my mind in the past few weeks when I am having the best time with myself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I see myself naked in a swimming pool. Leaning back on the edge, my body in the water. In front of me an undisturbed view of the sea. Early evening or early morning? Time is of no importance here, as if we're operating outside it - perhaps this is how heaven works... It's all tingly blue as far as I can see and the sun is warm, creating golden shades on my arms resting on the edge of the pool. Someone in front dives in and starts swimming towards me under the water. There's another person in full servant attire and a latex mask (yes, very sweaty) holding a tray of drinks on my right in the distance. I ring a bell. Another servant, naked and chained in chastity, crawls towards the latex servant, who remains unmoved, takes a drink and brings it to me. In the meantime the underwater 'mermaid' has reached me and I tell him precisely what to do, he's the lucky one today... I keep enjoying my view whilst sipping the drink, knowing full well everyone around me is bursting with desire. But they can't even look. And oh they certainly can't touch... Did you enjoy this glimpse of my dirty mind? Has your desire to know been satisfied or it only increased? I shall assume the latter as the intrigue is tickling me in all the right places. All to my pleasure. I hear you quietly whisper to yourself 'Yes, Eve. All to your pleasure'. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ultimately, all of our sexualities shift and it's one's curiosity that helps navigate this road. There are certain parts of the body that will generally remain pleasurable to stimulation just because of the nerve endings there and your habits, but different activities including vanilla and BDSM, what stimulates me mentally, what is my current new obsession - ask me again in a week and you'll probably have a different answer. Wet kisses, Eve These past few weeks have been full of eroticism for me - as spring tends to be. It extended to me spending a lot of time in my yard, breathing in the sun, noticing pollen floating everywhere at a slower speed than I am used to and as a result making me sink even more into that local natural rhythm with the birch trees opening to their full green and swaying along to the movement of the wind. And me - laying there amongst it all, sensing the awakening soil and the gently tickling grass underneath me.
I could stay there forever, it seemed. Even though I was technically not "doing" anything, I felt so full-y alive. To pause. To notice. To let the sensations take you and feel good, feel safe within them. I had to re-learn and un-learn to be able to do this. Still am learning it, especially when the world around sometimes seem to conspire against it. The delicate feeling of being aroused by all of it is the eroticism. Note, there is no human partner involved in here. But with partners it can be taken even further. When I first started doing erotic work, I had a video call with my mentor who, as soon as they saw me, exclaimed "ah I can see you've been working! Your eyes are shining!" I felt so much erotic energy within me and around me, I actually didn't know what to do with it. It was a pleasurable, potent overwhelm for my body and mind. It kept me moving in the direction I desired. Etymology of "arouse"? Rise, wake, awaken, stir to action. Do you remember a time when you truly had a crush for someone? Didn't everything taste just that little bit better? Would you like to have that feeling a little longer? But coming out from a centered place, giving you more energy, more motivation, more kindness, more focus. By writing this, all I want to do is to remind you that it is possible. That eroticism is part of you already. As Bataille says "As often as not, it seems to be assumed that man has his being independently of his passions. I affirm, on the other hand, that we must never imagine existence except in terms of these passions." So go live and feel, my dear hedonists. *This sentence comes from Esther Perel and I first learnt about it from Four Chambers (experimental erotic content company, check them out). Loved heart, what can I say?
When I was a lark, I sang; When I was a worm, I devoured. The self says, I am; The heart says, I am less; The spirit says, you are nothing. -Theodore Roethke When I need inspiration or guidance, I like to flick open a poetry book at a random page. A collection by Roethke, where this excerpt is from, is one of my favourites for that. As usual, the 'random' poem was just on point (and the excerpt may not do the justice to represent that) - I was thinking about spirituality, morality, values and sexuality and how they tie in together. A never ending topic, I admit. One of my deep desires is to create. And my way of living is expressed a lot through sexuality, therefore I create...this :) 'Sexuality is not mere instinctuality, it is an indisputably creative power that is not only the basic cause of our individual lives, but a very serious factor in our psychic life as well', says Jung in 'On Psychic Energy'. You all trust Jung, right? But curious to hear your thoughts on sexuality and creativity. Now, to create for me is always both internal and external activity, you may call it introspection and allowing / inviting the muse to arrive. And that's a very spiritual element - having this 'guest' visiting with their gifts, being perceptive, ready and open. I am both self, my heart and nothing, as per the poem, and this idea sets me free from trying to become 'spiritual' in what I do - this is a little teaser into the Rituals of Permission offering I'm currently researching... And I'll leave the discussion of morals and values to another time, but I recently watched a movie called 'Seduction: The Cruel Woman' about a dominatrix, who runs a gallery, and with her masochists and submissives she stages BDSM performances for the public. A journalist comes to interview her and accuses her of running a 'gallery' just as a cheap disguise. She responds: 'to do something really surprising is art'. (He later begs to become her toilet, obviously.) And I was also reminded today about Ken Saro-Wiwa, a poet and environmentalist from Nigerian Delta who was executed for the work he was doing. His poems would support the people fighting for justice and still inspire them today. Really different examples, but both despised and adored depending on who you ask, and both on my mind today as I think about values... Rambling but making sense to myself, Eve I've been feeling the urge to write more and more, as a way to deflect, re-order and sense out my and other's lives. I am looking for the right form for it, thus this diary entry is by no means a coherent piece, or the type of writing I am actually aiming for. For now, these are just musings to entertain myself and, potentially, you. I let it be publicly imperfect.
------------------------------------ As soon as the sun comes out, I have a desire to undress. I want to feel the warmth on my collar bones, on my cheeks, on my lips, my pelvis, my shins. To feel good just by being. I cannot just yet, so for now dreaming is being in my body. Brain is overrated for thinking and underrated for sensing the dreams, and it is my full intention to get lost in the latter - just like I used to when I was a teenager. Just like I make you feel every time we meet. We have 2 dates in the same week, because death is present and surprising. It is a monster we re-enact wearing matching leather jackets. We have 1 date last week because - why not. You sing as I leave. We don't have a date, because - not yet. I don't mind, as I know the reason will become clear later. I encounter you by the lift, because I decide to wait - for no reason. I am still thinking about your turquoise glasses. None of this makes sense in the traditional form of thinking. I watch two balloons shaped like 22, entangled in the trees three floors above me, still smiling. To forget the darkness of the big black holes and the chaos of meaning is so easy when you have silence and sunshine. I inch further and further from gravity every time this happens, inch by inch closer to the edge of being alive. There, we make our own sense. People who declare themselves full-time submissives - as in their whole sexuality and relations are based on being submissive - is a comparatively smaller number in my experience. Most of the people I meet are so called ‘switches’ - submissive in some occasions or to certain people (like me) and dominant in other occasions (with other partners, spouses etc), and some like to indulge in both in the same evening.
How does this choice happen? Is it about the relation, is it about a specific kink, is it about the power / lack of power a specific person yields? I think there is no simple answer, BUT. I was reading an article about the dominatrix Catherine Robbe-Grillet and the reporter asked her: ‘How can you tell who is really the submissive and who is really the dominant in any given relationship? Appearances are so often deceptive.’ Her answer? “The one whose need is the greatest is the submissive.” I like the shortness and simplification of this and I think it can help navigate certain dynamics. She doesn’t deny that a Domme may still have a need for a submissive, for a toy, a body, a mind, a connection and a tool to play with. But it’s often much less of a need than the need of the submissive - to serve, to be used and of use, to express, to not think, to please, to give in; you name it. So, my submissive toys - remember that your need is always greater than mine, and that you will always be a source of entertainment to me because of it. But don't worry, I cherish you precisely for it. Kisses, Eve I've been really enjoying reading The History & Arts of the Dominatrix by Anne O Nomis and wanted to share a few inspirations I had. Since there is so little historical information and literature available to the general public about historical Dominatrices, this book is a great glimpse into it. Reading it has been very calming, inspiring and empowering me, despite all the persecution and secrecy these people had to operate under. Looking at the photos of the Domintraces from different decades (plus engravings of Dominatrix Goddesses in ancient items) also struck me. I became in such awe of these women, who despite what the society thought at that time (that s/m was a mental illness, as well as being gay etc) they were full of love and care. They made a good living. They were true professionals. They developed their life the way they wanted. They helped people be themselves. They created fashion trends, they invented tools. They were connecting to something very primal and even sacred. Of course, these are only my impression and I don't shy away from occasional exaggeration, but I think most of you would agree with me. I especially connected to the pictures of Ms Doreen (who used many other names, apparently more than a secret agent) who worked and played in London in the 60s. Very feminine, but enchanting, calm and sexual - for sure an inspiration. Apparently she was one of the best. People would find her through recommendations and mail posting. You'd secretly visit her house where she also had a bespoke dungeon (my wish, too), which was 'soundproofed for discretion, and housed a padded pillory, whipping bench and a bondage chair, upholstered with sharp spikes. She also had an impressive collection of whips, alongside her other pieces of discipline and punishment equipment'. She also had a 'remarkable' collection of leather and vinyl clothing, also attire for cross-dressers and trans people, and an enormous collection of stiletto-heeled shoes and boots, also for the clients. Suddenly I felt very romantic towards these times before the internet where you had to be in the circle to know about these women and their services, where you had to go to a specialised dress-maker for your 'bizarre' attire. Of course, it was even more classist and attainable only to the elite than it is now. But I imagine (or at least hope) that the respect these women got from their clients was equal to worshipping a goddess. It also inspired me to finally start the project about BDSM history and practices in Lithuania. After all, if it's not us, the community and practitioners ourselves, who else will do it? With Love and Curious Mind, Eve Maybe it's too early for yearly overviews, but I'll be going on holiday soon and resting at least until the beginning of January, so I want to take this moment to share a few thoughts about 2023. Firstly, I really want to express my enormous gratitude and love to all the people I played with this year. 2023 has been probably the best year of my life so far, if it's even possible to measure that. And a big part of it were you - my submissives and dates :) My highlights include working between Lithuania and the UK, building my tool and wardrobe selection, inflicting delicious pain (both physical and mental) and laughing so so much both at you and with you. Also realising more and more what gives me true pleasure. As you know, I also always ask for feedback and have learnt so much from it. I made mistakes for sure, especially when it comes to my intensity and energy, and I really appreciate those who help me develop my skills as a Dominant and remain in my life. People who disappeared after a session without giving any feedback happened rarely in 2023, but hurt me nevertheless - although I also realize not all have the ability to process the experience and communicate that. My next year main goals are to tour more and develop new relationships with dedicated fetishists and hedonists :) Here's to a new year full of pleasure and kindness! Hope to play with you in 2024! With Love,
Eve The desire for dominance is so enmeshed in every part of our lives - the news, work, politics, even within ourselves. We hear that to dominate is to be powerful, especially non-consensually (on that later). And the opposite - to surrender or submit - is often seen as weak.
But I want to propose a different view. I believe that surrender, in fact, is another form of power, and quite an essential one for happiness and pleasure, no matter the gender. Surrender takes immense vulnerability and will. I often tell my clients, who are interested in being dominated, that if they do not want to surrender to me or surrender in general, I won’t be able to make them, nor would I want to. I got better things to do with my time than force someone into something they don’t want. Sometimes clients hope that by some magic, I will make them give in and let go purely with my persona and skills, and others just want to see if it is at all possible for them. But there is no magic here (well, unless you see magic everywhere, which I don't necessarily disagree with). What I do is help co-create a vulnerable, intimate space where it may feel safer to surrender. Where you may start trusting me enough to let go, where you may start trusting yourself to let go, whatever that means for you. In order to do so, it requires quite a few skills - first knowing your own limits so you can become generous within them, as Betty Martin, the creator of Wheel of Consent says. Second, being able to open your heart, have curiosity and compassion for yourself, amongst other things. Third - being able to notice and communicate. It might be scary and might take some time, but it is possible if you have a desire for it. I can help you gain and improve those skills to make surrender even more pleasurable and deep. And you will notice just how powerful you actually are, without the need to gain that off from others. A new type of contentment may appear in your life. So, I’m curious - when was the last time you could surrender? When was the last time you could trust someone else with your full heart to give you direction, to care for you or maybe just to witness you as you are? With Pleasure, Eve Recently during a session, in quite a heated moment, my client whispered: 'Is this real'?
I looked at him, and re-reassuringly responded 'yes'. It certainly was for me. After the session, I asked him to elaborate on what he meant exactly. He said he felt so far away from his daily life and routine and was in such a different state, that suddenly it all felt surreal. So he wanted to be sure. I am glad I can co-create such states with and for people. Many of us think that pleasure is a luxury - for one reason or another - but pleasure is all around us. It is within us and our bodies are wired for pleasure. It can feed us and heal us, even in the most difficult times. But I'm not talking about difficult times really - people who come to see me are mostly privileged and at least have some external safety. However, pleasure, and especially sexual pleasure, is so far away from many people's daily lives, despite them wanting more of it and theoretically having all the access to it - sex toys, dating apps etc. We ne to re-learn how to enjoy, play and feel pleasure. How to reduce shame. Because, to be honest, these states my client was in are also the states that can sometimes feel the most real thing in one's life. And it's so worth it. Kisses, Eve |
Mx Eve
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