There are many ways to love and / or be in relations. One of them is known as FLR - a Female Led Relationship. In BDSM it's a kind of lifestyle Dominant / Submissive dynamic with the Femme being the Dominant. Partners may not call themselves Submissive or Dominant, but the dynamic is there.

Some of you come to Me with desires of FLR, often without even knowing the term. This type of relation is My preference, too, but hearing the term - FLR - oh it rubs all of My sensual self the wrong way.

Maybe I have this reaction because I'm narratophillic and I am very sensitive to language expression that doesn't make sense to Me. Maybe because gender is a social construct (ie. 'Female' led) and this is such a hetero term. But mainly it's the fact that when I was growing up I saw a lot of Female Led Relationships around Me and to Me it means to something completely different, no matter what the kinky community says.

In fact almost all of the relationships I saw around Me when growing up where FLR - it's was the women who did everything, noticed everything, decided everything, told men what to do and what to wear even, came up with ideas for family activities, decided and noticed when something needed to be fixed in the house, looked after the children, cleaned the house, went to school meetings, remembered everyone's birthdays and anniversaries and decided what gifts / clothes / almost everything to buy, decided where and when to go on holiday, what to eat and made the food, put most effort in maintaining the relationship...

You get the picture. I'm sure many of you know this pattern very well.

And don't you agree this is a FLR if we're looking at the term very literally? Just...a very unhealthy one. Possibly non consensual and oppressive for both parties. And certainly not very kinky and sexy for the Femmes.

And thus, from a very young age, I knew this is not a pattern for Me. I have zero interest in men or anyone who want to be led in such a disempowering way. This does not create a deep connection and generosity for each other, it builds walls and resentment instead. It kills the desire for play, tease and growth. And that's utterly useless for anyone who is interested in being more than alive.

So I'm coming up with other terms. One of them is Submissive Served Relationship. Or SSR - with no connection to soviet socialist republics, but certainly with certain socialist values. No gender and no pressure on the Dominant to be the active one. Submissive serves. How and when they serve is an agreement, but the key is that they do it and strive to do it. The focus is on that.

After all, your servitude is what I'm here to enjoy :)

Curious to hear your thoughts on this in the comments.

Always in love with being served the way I want,
Eve

You patiently wait to hear my footsteps. It's been a while since we last saw each other.

During that time, you had to go back to your 'normal' - make decisions as usual, fit into the personality you have created, performed and continued developing in order to belong and live a decent life. Some time ago, this wasn't that easy. Some time ago, you were questioning all of it and if it's even worth it.

But now you're different - you enjoy and appreciate the 'daily' and the 'normal'. You feel calm, reassured and satisfied in being who you are.

Well, except...You are not who you think you are.

And that's why you're here.

That's why you're on your knees, with no idea what is coming. What may happen as our eyes meet again. That corner of your heart, playing behind your conscious and even the subconscious, had been giving you hints of the emptiness, the nudge that something is missing to your human experience. These days it is calm because it has found the time and place where you can get closer to it.

Or, more precisely, closer to Me.

The sound of my steps finally reaches your ear. Suddenly you feel seen, even before I lay my eyes on you. You smile.

How lovely it is to know you are not who you think you are. No constraints. No human chains. You are free to explore. The only thing you need to do is trust and surrender to the experience of what may open and become alive.

You sense my imminent entrance and as trained you hand it all to me - your full self on a plate. The good, the bad and the ugly. And most importantly, the unknown.  

You delight in the fact that this is my favorite meal. You know I will chew on it carefully. And I will enjoy it until I get to the core.

And then - who knows. I have learnt to lean into the experience, and you've learnt to follow my lead. That's just how it works.

Are you ready?

Always on your mind,
Eve

Have you ever written about yourself, expressing the deep relational and sexual preferences you have, but... for everyone to see?

Well, that's what I'm doing with this page, with Mx Eve. And specifically with About Me section. It's been fascinating to see how I've changed it, amended, improved, questioned and experimented with it. How can I put what I am and what I want in succinct but eloquent paragraphs? And how do I express it in a way that speaks to those I want it to speak to?

So yes, this section is also about you.

As with every relation, it's not just about me, it's also about you. It's me putting a message that will make you recognise if you share the same values as me, if you have similar needs, if you have a pull towards this even if you have no words to explain it - yet.

I've also made the below discoveries about myself (and you):

1. My needs change. Currently I am mainly interested in power exchange, whereas before I had needs for different encounters, too. Which is why I was offering not just kinky dates (and still do, if your message catches my eye)

2. My pleasure perpetually grows and I am still learning how to dig into it. After a training session with another experienced Dominatrix, something shifted in permissioning myself even more. There's a very real social stigma when it comes to sexual desires, especially the unconventional ones. Me included, I have significant traces of it which impacts me when finding my full joy. I realize, I will always come against that, no matter how much learning and pleasure I get to have. But the difference is that I am aware of those conflicts within me. Also, I'm very lucky that the journey of discovering my full pleasure potential has been rather fun.

3. Dates that spoil me and behave their best to impress me not only create amazing memories for me and themselves, but also increase my self worth, my standards and motivate me to be even more generous, attentive and, ultimately, kind. I hope I do that for my dates, too.  

4. My best dates have been the kinky ones.

So, with the above in mind, I've updated my About Me section. I am becoming much more focused than before. Have a read and see if any of it clicks.

My wish is for all of us to find those that match our freaks. Trust me, it's so worth it.

As an experiment, I asked my followers on Instagram what they would like me to write about in my diary next (it's currently the only platform, where I may engage in conversations with non-dates). Is it strange that all the requests I received were about my own desires and pleasure?

'What's your biggest sexual desire?'
'What sexual activity brings you most joy?'
'Your most secret dirty dreams.'
....and the same again and again.

Is it because my followers have little imagination, aren't used to a woman exuding sexual confidence and want to get off of that, or purely want to get off of that or think they can 'corrupt'/shock me even more? Or are they really curious, because they are actually interested in me and / or want to book a date and see if we can make those dreams come true? :) Haha, well...

These kind of questions coming from strangers on the internet for someone who has been in the sex positive community for years definitely first sound extremely boring. I've done it all babes, even those things you can't even imagine yet! If you want to hear juicy details, that'll be my whole life story, nothing new here. Also there's a lot of info already about what I enjoy on my website and social media. Just pay a little attention already, ok?

But after the initial resistance to it, I decided to try and articulate something about my own shifting desires and what brings me pleasure currently. It is not my intention to write this for you to get off. It is my intention for me to get off of this.

I've always been a person who is very aware of their body and sexuality. Being aroused, as you can see from my previous posts, does not equate to genital arousal, but eros - love and joy of life. Of course, during the darker periods of my life it's been harder to do that, but overall I always come back to this state and just being alive is an enormous turn on for me. The wind, being barefoot, food, music, touch, water, sun, that look in your eyes, textures, emotions...

Which is why I probably started exploring the sex positive community to understand myself better and first I was 'just' a very great exhibitionist. Still am (hence this whole post). Secondly, I loved meeting new people. I considered myself a freysexual at different points in my life (someone who loses sexual interest in a person once they get to know them.) But I realize now that it's much more complex for me than this and my interest certainly does not fade for the right people...

So what is my current biggest desire? Oh so many, and they depend on who I am with. Each new person or group of people inspire and awaken something different in me. So ultimately there is no one answer - I assume, to your disappointment. But...

I don't disappoint.

So I'll share what is often on my mind in the past few weeks when I am having the best time with myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I see myself naked in a swimming pool. Leaning back on the edge, my body in the water. In front of me an undisturbed view of the sea. Early evening or early morning? Time is of no importance here, as if we're operating outside it - perhaps this is how heaven works... It's all tingly blue as far as I can see and the sun is warm, creating golden shades on my arms resting on the edge of the pool. Someone in front dives in and starts swimming towards me under the water. There's another person in full servant attire and a latex mask (yes, very sweaty) holding a tray of drinks on my right in the distance. I ring a bell. Another servant, naked and chained in chastity, crawls towards the latex servant, who remains unmoved, takes a drink and brings it to me. In the meantime the underwater 'mermaid' has reached me and I tell him precisely what to do, he's the lucky one today... I keep enjoying my view whilst sipping the drink, knowing full well everyone around me is bursting with desire. But they can't even look. And oh they certainly can't touch...

Did you enjoy this glimpse of my dirty mind? Has your desire to know been satisfied or it only increased?

I shall assume the latter as the intrigue is tickling me in all the right places. All to my pleasure.

I hear you quietly whisper to yourself 'Yes, Eve. All to your pleasure'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ultimately, all of our sexualities shift and it's one's curiosity that helps navigate this road. There are certain parts of the body that will generally remain pleasurable to stimulation just because of the nerve endings there and your habits, but different activities including vanilla and BDSM, what stimulates me mentally, what is my current new obsession - ask me again in a week and you'll probably have a different answer.

Wet kisses,
Eve

These past few weeks have been full of eroticism for me - as spring tends to be. It extended to me spending a lot of time in my yard, breathing in the sun, noticing pollen floating everywhere at a slower speed than I am used to and as a result making me sink even more into that local natural rhythm with the birch trees opening to their full green and swaying along to the movement of the wind. And me - laying there amongst it all, sensing the awakening soil and the gently tickling grass underneath me.

I could stay there forever, it seemed. Even though I was technically not "doing" anything, I felt so full-y alive.

To pause. To notice. To let the sensations take you and feel good, feel safe within them. I had to re-learn and un-learn to be able to do this. Still am learning it, especially when the world around sometimes seem to conspire against it. The delicate feeling of being aroused by all of it is the eroticism. Note, there is no human partner involved in here. But with partners it can be taken even further.

When I first started doing erotic work, I had a video call with my mentor who, as soon as they saw me, exclaimed "ah I can see you've been working! Your eyes are shining!" I felt so much erotic energy within me and around me, I actually didn't know what to do with it. It was a pleasurable, potent overwhelm for my body and mind. It kept me moving in the direction I desired. Etymology of "arouse"? Rise, wake, awaken, stir to action.

Do you remember a time when you truly had a crush for someone? Didn't everything taste just that little bit better?

Would you like to have that feeling a little longer? But coming out from a centered place, giving you more energy, more motivation, more kindness, more focus.

By writing this, all I want to do is to remind you that it is possible. That eroticism is part of you already.

As Bataille says "As often as not, it seems to be assumed that man has his being independently of his passions. I affirm, on the other hand, that we must never imagine existence except in terms of these passions."

So go live and feel, my dear hedonists.

*This sentence comes from Esther Perel and I first learnt about it from Four Chambers (experimental erotic content company, check them out).

Loved heart, what can I say?
When I was a lark, I sang;
When I was a worm, I devoured.

The self says, I am;
The heart says, I am less;
The spirit says, you are nothing.

-Theodore Roethke

When I need inspiration or guidance, I like to flick open a poetry book at a random page. A collection by Roethke, where this excerpt is from, is one of my favourites for that. As usual, the 'random' poem was just on point (and the excerpt may not do the justice to represent that) - I was thinking about spirituality, morality, values and sexuality and how they tie in together. A never ending topic, I admit. 

One of my deep desires is to create. And my way of living is expressed a lot through sexuality, therefore I create...this :) 'Sexuality is not mere instinctuality, it is an indisputably creative power that is not only the basic cause of our individual lives, but a very serious factor in our psychic life as well', says Jung in 'On Psychic Energy'. You all trust Jung, right? But curious to hear your thoughts on sexuality and creativity.

Now, to create for me is always both internal and external activity, you may call it introspection and allowing / inviting the muse to arrive. And that's a very spiritual element - having this 'guest' visiting with their gifts, being perceptive, ready and open. I am both self, my heart and nothing, as per the poem, and this idea sets me free from trying to become 'spiritual' in what I do - this is a little teaser into the Rituals of Permission offering I'm currently researching...

And I'll leave the discussion of morals and values to another time, but I recently watched a movie called 'Seduction: The Cruel Woman' about a dominatrix, who runs a gallery, and with her masochists and submissives she stages BDSM performances for the public. A journalist comes to interview her and accuses her of running a 'gallery' just as a cheap disguise. She responds: 'to do something really surprising is art'. (He later begs to become her toilet, obviously.) And I was also reminded today about Ken Saro-Wiwa, a poet and environmentalist from Nigerian Delta who was executed for the work he was doing. His poems would support the people fighting for justice and still inspire them today. Really different examples, but both despised and adored depending on who you ask, and both on my mind today as I think about values...

Rambling but making sense to myself,
Eve

I've been feeling the urge to write more and more, as a way to deflect, re-order and sense out my and other's lives. I am looking for the right form for it, thus this diary entry is by no means a coherent piece, or the type of writing I am actually aiming for. For now, these are just musings to entertain myself and, potentially, you. I let it be publicly imperfect.

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As soon as the sun comes out, I have a desire to undress. I want to feel the warmth on my collar bones, on my cheeks, on my lips, my pelvis, my shins. To feel good just by being. I cannot just yet, so for now dreaming is being in my body. Brain is overrated for thinking and underrated for sensing the dreams, and it is my full intention to get lost in the latter - just like I used to when I was a teenager. Just like I make you feel every time we meet.

We have 2 dates in the same week, because death is present and surprising. It is a monster we re-enact wearing matching leather jackets.

We have 1 date last week because - why not. You sing as I leave.

We don't have a date, because - not yet. I don't mind, as I know the reason will become clear later.

I encounter you by the lift, because I decide to wait - for no reason. I am still thinking about your turquoise glasses.

None of this makes sense in the traditional form of thinking.  

I watch two balloons shaped like 22, entangled in the trees three floors above me, still smiling. To forget the darkness of the big black holes and the chaos of  meaning is so easy when you have silence and sunshine. I inch further and further from gravity every time this happens, inch by inch closer to the edge of being alive. There, we make our own sense.

I've been really enjoying reading The History & Arts of the Dominatrix by Anne O Nomis and wanted to share a few inspirations I had.

Since there is so little historical information and literature available to the general public about historical Dominatrices, this book is a great glimpse into it. Reading it has been very calming, inspiring and empowering me, despite all the persecution and secrecy these people had to operate under.

Looking at the photos of the Domintraces from different decades (plus engravings of Dominatrix Goddesses in ancient items) also struck me. I became in such awe of these women, who despite what the society thought at that time (that s/m was a mental illness, as well as being gay etc) they were full of love and care. They made a good living. They were true professionals. They developed their life the way they wanted. They helped people be themselves. They created fashion trends, they invented tools. They were connecting to something very primal and even sacred. Of course, these are only my impression and I don't shy away from occasional exaggeration, but I think most of you would agree with me.

I especially connected to the pictures of Ms Doreen (who used many other names, apparently more than a secret agent) who worked and played in London in the 60s. Very feminine, but enchanting, calm and sexual - for sure an inspiration. Apparently she was one of the best. People would find her through recommendations and mail posting. You'd secretly visit her house where she also had a bespoke dungeon (my wish, too), which was 'soundproofed for discretion, and housed a padded pillory, whipping bench and a bondage chair, upholstered with sharp spikes. She also had an impressive collection of whips, alongside her other pieces of discipline and punishment equipment'. She also had a 'remarkable' collection of leather and vinyl clothing, also attire for cross-dressers and trans people, and an enormous collection of stiletto-heeled shoes and boots, also for the clients.

Suddenly I felt very romantic towards these times before the internet where you had to be in the circle to know about these women and their services, where you had to go to a specialised dress-maker for your 'bizarre' attire. Of course, it was even more classist and attainable only to the elite than it is now. But I imagine (or at least hope) that the respect these women got from their clients was equal to worshipping a goddess.

It also inspired me to finally start the project about BDSM history and practices in Lithuania. After all, if it's not us, the community and practitioners ourselves, who else will do it?

With Love and Curious Mind,
Eve

Maybe it's too early for yearly overviews, but I'll be going on holiday soon and resting at least until the beginning of January, so I want to take this moment to share a few thoughts about 2023. 

Firstly, I really want to express my enormous gratitude and love to all the people I played with this year. 2023 has been probably the best year of my life so far, if it's even possible to measure that. And a big part of it were you - my submissives and dates :)

My highlights include working between Lithuania and the UK, building my tool and wardrobe selection, inflicting delicious pain (both physical and mental) and laughing so so much both at you and with you. Also realising more and more what gives me true pleasure.

As you know, I also always ask for feedback and have learnt so much from it. I made mistakes for sure, especially when it comes to my intensity and energy, and I really appreciate those who help me develop my skills as a Dominant and remain in my life. People who disappeared after a session without giving any feedback happened rarely in 2023, but hurt me nevertheless - although I also realize not all have the ability to process the experience and communicate that.

My next year main goals are to tour more and develop new relationships with dedicated fetishists and hedonists :)

Here's to a new year full of pleasure and kindness! Hope to play with you in 2024!

With Love,
Eve