Loved heart, what can I say?
When I was a lark, I sang;
When I was a worm, I devoured.

The self says, I am;
The heart says, I am less;
The spirit says, you are nothing.

-Theodore Roethke

When I need inspiration or guidance, I like to flick open a poetry book at a random page. A collection by Roethke, where this excerpt is from, is one of my favourites for that. As usual, the 'random' poem was just on point (and the excerpt may not do the justice to represent that) - I was thinking about spirituality, morality, values and sexuality and how they tie in together. A never ending topic, I admit. 

One of my deep desires is to create. And my way of living is expressed a lot through sexuality, therefore I create...this :) 'Sexuality is not mere instinctuality, it is an indisputably creative power that is not only the basic cause of our individual lives, but a very serious factor in our psychic life as well', says Jung in 'On Psychic Energy'. You all trust Jung, right? But curious to hear your thoughts on sexuality and creativity.

Now, to create for me is always both internal and external activity, you may call it introspection and allowing / inviting the muse to arrive. And that's a very spiritual element - having this 'guest' visiting with their gifts, being perceptive, ready and open. I am both self, my heart and nothing, as per the poem, and this idea sets me free from trying to become 'spiritual' in what I do - this is a little teaser into the Rituals of Permission offering I'm currently researching...

And I'll leave the discussion of morals and values to another time, but I recently watched a movie called 'Seduction: The Cruel Woman' about a dominatrix, who runs a gallery, and with her masochists and submissives she stages BDSM performances for the public. A journalist comes to interview her and accuses her of running a 'gallery' just as a cheap disguise. She responds: 'to do something really surprising is art'. (He later begs to become her toilet, obviously.) And I was also reminded today about Ken Saro-Wiwa, a poet and environmentalist from Nigerian Delta who was executed for the work he was doing. His poems would support the people fighting for justice and still inspire them today. Really different examples, but both despised and adored depending on who you ask, and both on my mind today as I think about values...

Rambling but making sense to myself,
Eve

I've been feeling the urge to write more and more, as a way to deflect, re-order and sense out my and other's lives. I am looking for the right form for it, thus this diary entry is by no means a coherent piece, or the type of writing I am actually aiming for. For now, these are just musings to entertain myself and, potentially, you. I let it be publicly imperfect.

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As soon as the sun comes out, I have a desire to undress. I want to feel the warmth on my collar bones, on my cheeks, on my lips, my pelvis, my shins. To feel good just by being. I cannot just yet, so for now dreaming is being in my body. Brain is overrated for thinking and underrated for sensing the dreams, and it is my full intention to get lost in the latter - just like I used to when I was a teenager. Just like I make you feel every time we meet.

We have 2 dates in the same week, because death is present and surprising. It is a monster we re-enact wearing matching leather jackets.

We have 1 date last week because - why not. You sing as I leave.

We don't have a date, because - not yet. I don't mind, as I know the reason will become clear later.

I encounter you by the lift, because I decide to wait - for no reason. I am still thinking about your turquoise glasses.

None of this makes sense in the traditional form of thinking.  

I watch two balloons shaped like 22, entangled in the trees three floors above me, still smiling. To forget the darkness of the big black holes and the chaos of  meaning is so easy when you have silence and sunshine. I inch further and further from gravity every time this happens, inch by inch closer to the edge of being alive. There, we make our own sense.

I've been really enjoying reading The History & Arts of the Dominatrix by Anne O Nomis and wanted to share a few inspirations I had.

Since there is so little historical information and literature available to the general public about historical Dominatrices, this book is a great glimpse into it. Reading it has been very calming, inspiring and empowering me, despite all the persecution and secrecy these people had to operate under.

Looking at the photos of the Domintraces from different decades (plus engravings of Dominatrix Goddesses in ancient items) also struck me. I became in such awe of these women, who despite what the society thought at that time (that s/m was a mental illness, as well as being gay etc) they were full of love and care. They made a good living. They were true professionals. They developed their life the way they wanted. They helped people be themselves. They created fashion trends, they invented tools. They were connecting to something very primal and even sacred. Of course, these are only my impression and I don't shy away from occasional exaggeration, but I think most of you would agree with me.

I especially connected to the pictures of Ms Doreen (who used many other names, apparently more than a secret agent) who worked and played in London in the 60s. Very feminine, but enchanting, calm and sexual - for sure an inspiration. Apparently she was one of the best. People would find her through recommendations and mail posting. You'd secretly visit her house where she also had a bespoke dungeon (my wish, too), which was 'soundproofed for discretion, and housed a padded pillory, whipping bench and a bondage chair, upholstered with sharp spikes. She also had an impressive collection of whips, alongside her other pieces of discipline and punishment equipment'. She also had a 'remarkable' collection of leather and vinyl clothing, also attire for cross-dressers and trans people, and an enormous collection of stiletto-heeled shoes and boots, also for the clients.

Suddenly I felt very romantic towards these times before the internet where you had to be in the circle to know about these women and their services, where you had to go to a specialised dress-maker for your 'bizarre' attire. Of course, it was even more classist and attainable only to the elite than it is now. But I imagine (or at least hope) that the respect these women got from their clients was equal to worshipping a goddess.

It also inspired me to finally start the project about BDSM history and practices in Lithuania. After all, if it's not us, the community and practitioners ourselves, who else will do it?

With Love and Curious Mind,
Eve

Maybe it's too early for yearly overviews, but I'll be going on holiday soon and resting at least until the beginning of January, so I want to take this moment to share a few thoughts about 2023. 

Firstly, I really want to express my enormous gratitude and love to all the people I played with this year. 2023 has been probably the best year of my life so far, if it's even possible to measure that. And a big part of it were you - my submissives and dates :)

My highlights include working between Lithuania and the UK, building my tool and wardrobe selection, inflicting delicious pain (both physical and mental) and laughing so so much both at you and with you. Also realising more and more what gives me true pleasure.

As you know, I also always ask for feedback and have learnt so much from it. I made mistakes for sure, especially when it comes to my intensity and energy, and I really appreciate those who help me develop my skills as a Dominant and remain in my life. People who disappeared after a session without giving any feedback happened rarely in 2023, but hurt me nevertheless - although I also realize not all have the ability to process the experience and communicate that.

My next year main goals are to tour more and develop new relationships with dedicated fetishists and hedonists :)

Here's to a new year full of pleasure and kindness! Hope to play with you in 2024!

With Love,
Eve

Recently during a session, in quite a heated moment, my client whispered: 'Is this real'?
I looked at him, and re-reassuringly responded 'yes'.  It certainly was for me.

After the session, I asked him to elaborate on what he meant exactly. He said he felt so far away from his daily life and routine and was in such a different state, that suddenly it all felt surreal. So he wanted to be sure.

I am glad I can co-create such states with and for people. Many of us think that pleasure is a luxury - for one reason or another - but pleasure is all around us. It is within us and our bodies are wired for pleasure. It can feed us and heal us, even in the most difficult times.

But I'm not talking about difficult times really - people who come to see me are mostly privileged and at least have some external  safety. However, pleasure, and especially sexual pleasure, is so far away from many people's daily lives, despite them wanting more of it and theoretically having all the access to it - sex toys, dating apps etc. We ne to re-learn how to enjoy, play and feel pleasure. How to reduce shame. Because, to be honest, these states my client was in are also the states that can sometimes feel the most real thing in one's life. And it's so worth it.

Kisses,
Eve

I had a session recently with a new client and the simple act of seeing his saliva dribbling over his chest, down to his belly all the way from his gagged mouth was just...exhilarating.  Certainly, this is not the first time a man in my company finds himself in such an uncomfortable situation, but there was something so simple and profound in seeing him gagged and tied up and just...dribbling non-stop.

What is it about seeing men being helpless?

Maybe it's the big taboo in finding a man without power and potentially embarrassed in front of a woman (with his consent). Maybe it's about making a mess. Maybe it's about not being polite and in order, not being perfect, just a raw human animal - dribbling, salivating, trying to stop but not being able to.  Maybe it's my own desire speaking.

I shall take a photo another time to memorise these small beautiful moments that I cherish (I never take photos with first time clients unless they specifically ask). Maybe you will appreciate it, too.

With Pleasure,
Eve

I've been dreaming about creating a little world for and about my work on the internet for a while. A space that belongs to me and that I have (at least theoretically) complete control of. How very Dominatrix of me, isn't it?

So welcome. I am so happy to have you here.

I will use this diary to share my ideas, observations and wonder. Maybe creative writing - who knows. There is excitement in the knowing that someone may read this and equally freedom in the knowing that I am writing in a vast no man's land - may these diaries be lost and found by those who need it.

With Pleasure,
Eve