Over the holidays I picked up a book about loneliness that I've been meaning to read for some time - The Lonely City by Olivia Laing.

It is a familiar topic to Me, as being alone has both been a precious choice and a burden in the past. Although, when I let Myself think about that, I realize the latter happened mostly when I learnt (or was taught) that being alone meant there's probably something wrong with you. It's when I've experienced feelings of FOMO (fear of missing out) or fears of being judged or shamed. What's more, as the book describes it, such shameful loneliness grows on you. It becomes like a sticky web that is hard to shake off. The more isolated you become, the harder it is to untangle yourself from it. It's as if people smell your loneliness from a distance and you are absolutely exposed if you don't hide. Or maybe you become so comfortable with your own space that others don't seem to fit it there, even if you have a hunger for that connection. Which in turn, leaves you questioning again if there really - truly - is something wrong with you.

But yet again, as with all shadow and difficult aspects of our lives, I am fascinated by solitude, loneliness and isolation. One of My favourite quotes from the book questions it all, too:

'So much of the pain of loneliness is to do with concealment, with feeling compelled to hide vulnerability, to tuck ugliness away, to cover up scars as if they are literally repulsive. But why hide? What's so shameful about wanting, about desire, about having failed to achieve satisfaction, about experiencing unhappiness?'

I see no shame here. I celebrate your wanting. Your craving. Your fantasies. You desire for touch. Your desire to not touch. To be left alone and yet connected. To be in My presence even if it feels like a fleeting moment. Your desire to try and fail. To be unhappy and then also be happy. And then try again and feel all of that rip through your body - again.

How can that be not beautiful?

Read this as your open invitation to come to Me with your loneliness and pulsing wounds. I'll decide if I want to devour them or tend to them but there is no need to hide.

And I also remember that some of My happiest memories are when I'm lost, wandering and alone - in the city, in the forest, in the jungle or on the road, wild as the wind. So first - catch Me if you can and show Me your loneliness is worth Mine.

Kisses,
Eve

2024 has been expansive. I've achieved all the goals I've set (even the big ones), which to Me is a sign of Me moving in the right direction. Before I used to find goal setting pointless or disruptive. However now, as I am even more in My power, My goal list simply serves as a reminder to check in with Myself and to act, if that goal is still creating a desire in Me.

Most importantly, this year I've travelled almost every month of the year and spent time with the people who were curious, generous with their worship, soul and heart, who pushed Me to new experiences and challenges and who served so very well (or not so well despite your best efforts, but I've enjoyed training you). I became very strict in My submissive selection process, which was a game changer for Me. I realised, yet again, I can truly shape the world in My Desire.

And trust Me, it's a wonderful world that I am creating.

I hope that in 2025 I will continue to expand. This may mean being outside of Lithuania even more (those in Lithuania should not waste their time if they wanted to ask Me out on a date and do it sooner than later), learning new hard skills, collaborating more and truly living the vision of Femdom in all parts of My life.

Dare to live your dream in 2025, too.

With Love,
Eve

Before I started doing domination as a BDSM practice (I've always been naturally Dominant), I tried dating like most of you probably do - via dating apps. I only did it for a relatively short time and then would come back to it sporadically. I generally preferred meeting people in parties (naughty ones, too) and public places and was / am quite good at it. But honestly, the dating apps were not worth it and I have no doubt some of you share My sentiment. Although I'm not so aware of the current situation.

Now, I've been almost exclusively dating via My own website - yes, this one. It has become My own unique way of meeting fascinating people, experiencing the best dates I've ever had, enjoying honest and enriching connections and deepening My D / S practice.

A pic of you with your dog and saying that 'gym' or 'food' is your hobby does nothing as a first impression to Me (although both dogs and gyms are great), but I do care about what makes your heart beat faster. I care about what makes you want to write to Me, specifically. I care when I can see that you care, too.

And if I decide to see you, I have an interest in you as a person and a submissive. You've piqued My curiosity with how I can use power dynamics with - specifically - you.

This approach has been working really well for Me in order to have those satisfying dates. But it does not end there. More and more, kinky dates with people who value My time is how I see My romantic life in general. Power dynamics is truly a driving force for Me that I want to continue exploring.

So make an effort when you write that Get In Touch form.

I want to see where this could take us. 

Doing Romance My Own Way,
Eve

 Reality can be un-made.

You want - no, you need - a spark. You need the un-reality that you deserve.

Right now, you are trapped by your own mind. Trapped by your own doing. Restless. Constantly thinking, but it's not exactly clear about what.

Perhaps, you're waiting for the moment. The moment when we connect and look into each other's eyes and the un-reality finally becomes alive.

Suddenly you hear, sense and feel everything so vividly. Your mind is clear even if it's dizzy from desire. It's as if we bend time and we get travel sickness for trespassing our conditioned human limits.

This feels like the way to live.

I measure time by how your body sways. You breathe eternity into your lungs with My blessing.

Is anything between these moments ever enough? Or maybe, a better way to look at it, do the in-between moments exist only for the purpose of rest, recharge and contemplation, so you can feel again? More and deeper. And then some more...

You might think, where is the line? How deep can we go?

You needn't worry. I draw the line for you.

Just give in to My gaze and listen to My voice. We've only started exploring.

With An Other-Worldly Depth,
Eve

There are many ways to love and / or be in relations. One of them is known as FLR - a Female Led Relationship. In BDSM it's a kind of lifestyle Dominant / Submissive dynamic with the Femme being the Dominant. Partners may not call themselves Submissive or Dominant, but the dynamic is there.

Some of you come to Me with desires of FLR, often without even knowing the term. This type of relation is My preference, too, but hearing the term - FLR - oh it rubs all of My sensual self the wrong way.

Maybe I have this reaction because I'm narratophillic and I am very sensitive to language expression that doesn't make sense to Me. Maybe because gender is a social construct (ie. 'Female' led) and this is such a hetero term. But mainly it's the fact that when I was growing up I saw a lot of Female Led Relationships around Me and to Me it means to something completely different, no matter what the kinky community says.

In fact almost all of the relationships I saw around Me when growing up where FLR - it's was the women who did everything, noticed everything, decided everything, told men what to do and what to wear even, came up with ideas for family activities, decided and noticed when something needed to be fixed in the house, looked after the children, cleaned the house, went to school meetings, remembered everyone's birthdays and anniversaries and decided what gifts / clothes / almost everything to buy, decided where and when to go on holiday, what to eat and made the food, put most effort in maintaining the relationship...

You get the picture. I'm sure many of you know this pattern very well.

And don't you agree this is a FLR if we're looking at the term very literally? Just...a very unhealthy one. Possibly non consensual and oppressive for both parties. And certainly not very kinky and sexy for the Femmes.

And thus, from a very young age, I knew this is not a pattern for Me. I have zero interest in men or anyone who want to be led in such a disempowering way. This does not create a deep connection and generosity for each other, it builds walls and resentment instead. It kills the desire for play, tease and growth. And that's utterly useless for anyone who is interested in being more than alive.

So I'm coming up with other terms. One of them is Submissive Served Relationship. Or SSR - with no connection to soviet socialist republics, but certainly with certain socialist values. No gender and no pressure on the Dominant to be the active one. Submissive serves. How and when they serve is an agreement, but the key is that they do it and strive to do it. The focus is on that.

After all, your servitude is what I'm here to enjoy :)

Curious to hear your thoughts on this in the comments.

Always in love with being served the way I want,
Eve

You patiently wait to hear My footsteps. It's been a while since we last saw each other.

During that time, you had to go back to your 'normal' - make decisions as usual, fit into the personality you have created, performed and continued developing in order to belong and live a decent life. Some time ago, this wasn't that easy. Some time ago, you were questioning all of it and if it's even worth it.

But now you're different - you enjoy and appreciate the 'daily' and the 'normal'. You feel calm, reassured and satisfied in being who you are.

Well, except...You are not who you think you are.

And that's why you're here.

That's why you're on your knees, with no idea what is coming. What may happen as our eyes meet again. That corner of your heart, playing behind your conscious and even the subconscious, had been giving you hints of the emptiness, the nudge that something is missing to your human experience. These days it is calm because it has found the time and place where you can get closer to it.

Or, more precisely, closer to Me.

The sound of My steps finally reaches your ear. Suddenly you feel seen, even before I lay My eyes on you. You smile.

How lovely it is to know you are not who you think you are. No constraints. No human chains. You are free to explore. The only thing you need to do is trust and surrender to the experience of what may open and become alive.

You sense My imminent entrance and as trained you hand it all to Me - your full self on a plate. The good, the bad and the ugly. And most importantly, the unknown.  

You delight in the fact that this is My favorite meal. You know I will chew on it carefully. And I will enjoy it until I get to the core.

And then - who knows. I have learnt to lean into the experience, and you've learnt to follow My lead. That's just how it works.

Are you ready?

Always on your mind,
Eve

Have you ever written about yourself, expressing the deep relational and sexual preferences you have, but... for everyone to see?

Well, that's what I'm doing with this page, with Mx Eve. And specifically with About Me section. It's been fascinating to see how I've changed it, amended, improved, questioned and experimented with it. How can I put what I am and what I want in succinct but eloquent paragraphs? And how do I express it in a way that speaks to those I want it to speak to?

So yes, this section is also about you.

As with every relation, it's not just about Me, it's also about you. It's Me putting a message that will make you recognise if you share the same values as Me, if you have similar needs, if you have a pull towards this even if you have no words to explain it - yet.

I've also made the below discoveries about Myself (and you):

1. My needs change. Currently I am mainly interested in power exchange, whereas before I had needs for different encounters, too. Which is why I was offering not just kinky dates (and still do, if your message catches my eye)

2. My pleasure perpetually grows and I am still learning how to dig into it. After a training session with another experienced Dominatrix, something shifted in permissioning Myself even more. There's a very real social stigma when it comes to sexual desires, especially the unconventional ones. Me included, I have significant traces of it which impacts Me when finding my full joy. I realize, I will always come against that, no matter how much learning and pleasure I get to have. But the difference is that I am aware of those conflicts within Me. Also, I'm very lucky that the journey of discovering My full pleasure potential has been rather fun.

3. Dates that spoil Me and behave their best to impress me not only create amazing memories for Me and themselves, but also increase My self worth, My standards and motivate Me to be even more generous, attentive and, ultimately, kind. I hope I do that for My dates, too.  

4. My best dates have been the kinky ones.

So, with the above in mind, I've updated my About Me section. I am becoming much more focused than before. Have a read and see if any of it clicks.

My wish is for all of us to find those that match our freaks. Trust Me, it's so worth it.

As an experiment, I asked My followers on Instagram what they would like Me to write about in My diary next (it's currently the only platform, where I may engage in conversations with non-dates). Is it strange that all the requests I received were about My own desires and pleasure?

'What's your biggest sexual desire?'
'What sexual activity brings you most joy?'
'Your most secret dirty dreams.'
....and the same again and again.

Is it because My followers have little imagination, aren't used to a woman exuding sexual confidence and want to get off of that, or purely want to get off of that or think they can 'corrupt'/shock me even more? Or are they really curious, because they are actually interested in Me and / or want to book a date and see if we can make those dreams come true? :) Haha, well...

These kind of questions coming from strangers on the internet for someone who has been in the sex positive community for years definitely first sound extremely boring. I've done it all babes, even those things you can't even imagine yet! If you want to hear juicy details, that'll be My whole life story, nothing new here. Also there's a lot of info already about what I enjoy on My website and social media. Just pay a little attention already, ok?

But after the initial resistance to it, I decided to try and articulate something about My own shifting desires and what brings Me pleasure currently. It is not My intention to write this for you to get off. It is My intention for Me to get off of this.

I've always been a person who is very aware of their body and sexuality. Being aroused, as you can see from My previous posts, does not equate to genital arousal, but eros - love and joy of life. Of course, during the darker periods of my life it's been harder to do that, but overall I always come back to this state and just being alive is an enormous turn on for Me. The wind, being barefoot, food, music, touch, water, sun, that look in your eyes, textures, emotions...

Which is why I probably started exploring the sex positive community to understand Myself better and first I was 'just' a very great exhibitionist. Still am (hence this whole post). Secondly, I loved meeting new people. I considered Myself a freysexual at different points in My life (someone who loses sexual interest in a person once they get to know them.) But I realize now that it's much more complex for me than this and My interest certainly does not fade for the right people...

So what is My current biggest desire? Oh so many, and they depend on who I am with. Each new person or group of people inspire and awaken something different in me. So ultimately there is no one answer - I assume, to your disappointment. But...

I don't disappoint.

So I'll share what is often on My mind in the past few weeks when I am having the best time with myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I see Myself naked in a swimming pool. Leaning back on the edge, My body in the water. In front of Me an undisturbed view of the sea. Early evening or early morning? Time is of no importance here, as if we're operating outside it - perhaps this is how heaven works... It's all tingly blue as far as I can see and the sun is warm, creating golden shades on My arms resting on the edge of the pool. Someone in front dives in and starts swimming towards Me under the water. There's another person in full servant attire and a latex mask (yes, very sweaty) holding a tray of drinks on My right in the distance. I ring a bell. Another servant, naked and chained in chastity, crawls towards the latex servant, who remains unmoved, takes a drink and brings it to Me. In the meantime the underwater 'mermaid' has reached Me and I tell him precisely what to do, he's the lucky one today... I keep enjoying My view whilst sipping the drink, knowing full well everyone around Me is bursting with desire. But they can't even look. And oh they certainly can't touch...

Did you enjoy this glimpse of My dirty mind? Has your desire to know been satisfied or it only increased?

I shall assume the latter as the intrigue is tickling Me in all the right places. All to My pleasure.

I hear you quietly whisper to yourself 'Yes, Eve. All to your pleasure'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ultimately, all of our sexualities shift and it's one's curiosity that helps navigate this road. There are certain parts of the body that will generally remain pleasurable to stimulation just because of the nerve endings there and your habits, but different activities including vanilla and BDSM, what stimulates Me mentally, what is my current new obsession - ask Me again in a week and you'll probably have a different answer.

Wet kisses,
Eve

These past few weeks have been full of eroticism for me - as spring tends to be. It extended to me spending a lot of time in my yard, breathing in the sun, noticing pollen floating everywhere at a slower speed than I am used to and as a result making me sink even more into that local natural rhythm with the birch trees opening to their full green and swaying along to the movement of the wind. And me - laying there amongst it all, sensing the awakening soil and the gently tickling grass underneath me.

I could stay there forever, it seemed. Even though I was technically not "doing" anything, I felt so full-y alive.

To pause. To notice. To let the sensations take you and feel good, feel safe within them. I had to re-learn and un-learn to be able to do this. Still am learning it, especially when the world around sometimes seem to conspire against it. The delicate feeling of being aroused by all of it is the eroticism. Note, there is no human partner involved in here. But with partners it can be taken even further.

When I first started doing erotic work, I had a video call with my mentor who, as soon as they saw me, exclaimed "ah I can see you've been working! Your eyes are shining!" I felt so much erotic energy within me and around me, I actually didn't know what to do with it. It was a pleasurable, potent overwhelm for my body and mind. It kept me moving in the direction I desired. Etymology of "arouse"? Rise, wake, awaken, stir to action.

Do you remember a time when you truly had a crush for someone? Didn't everything taste just that little bit better?

Would you like to have that feeling a little longer? But coming out from a centered place, giving you more energy, more motivation, more kindness, more focus.

By writing this, all I want to do is to remind you that it is possible. That eroticism is part of you already.

As Bataille says "As often as not, it seems to be assumed that man has his being independently of his passions. I affirm, on the other hand, that we must never imagine existence except in terms of these passions."

So go live and feel, my dear hedonists.

*This sentence comes from Esther Perel and I first learnt about it from Four Chambers (experimental erotic content company, check them out).

Loved heart, what can I say?
When I was a lark, I sang;
When I was a worm, I devoured.

The self says, I am;
The heart says, I am less;
The spirit says, you are nothing.

-Theodore Roethke

When I need inspiration or guidance, I like to flick open a poetry book at a random page. A collection by Roethke, where this excerpt is from, is one of my favourites for that. As usual, the 'random' poem was just on point (and the excerpt may not do the justice to represent that) - I was thinking about spirituality, morality, values and sexuality and how they tie in together. A never ending topic, I admit. 

One of my deep desires is to create. And my way of living is expressed a lot through sexuality, therefore I create...this :) 'Sexuality is not mere instinctuality, it is an indisputably creative power that is not only the basic cause of our individual lives, but a very serious factor in our psychic life as well', says Jung in 'On Psychic Energy'. You all trust Jung, right? But curious to hear your thoughts on sexuality and creativity.

Now, to create for me is always both internal and external activity, you may call it introspection and allowing / inviting the muse to arrive. And that's a very spiritual element - having this 'guest' visiting with their gifts, being perceptive, ready and open. I am both self, my heart and nothing, as per the poem, and this idea sets me free from trying to become 'spiritual' in what I do - this is a little teaser into the Rituals of Permission offering I'm currently researching...

And I'll leave the discussion of morals and values to another time, but I recently watched a movie called 'Seduction: The Cruel Woman' about a dominatrix, who runs a gallery, and with her masochists and submissives she stages BDSM performances for the public. A journalist comes to interview her and accuses her of running a 'gallery' just as a cheap disguise. She responds: 'to do something really surprising is art'. (He later begs to become her toilet, obviously.) And I was also reminded today about Ken Saro-Wiwa, a poet and environmentalist from Nigerian Delta who was executed for the work he was doing. His poems would support the people fighting for justice and still inspire them today. Really different examples, but both despised and adored depending on who you ask, and both on my mind today as I think about values...

Rambling but making sense to myself,
Eve